Posts Tagged ‘sick

16
Jun
09

Resuming regular transmission shortly.

Hallo.

For a long time our house was perfect for our needs. Cold, yes but the perfect size and proximity to everything. Then it wasn’t anymore. And our property agents went from being the best ever, to being the worst in the space of the last two years.

Also – of course I’ve been out of the workforce, battling my health problems with a combination of a trickle of freelance work and a government pension. For a long time I couldn’t see myself ever entering a workplace again. I have fears and phobias up the ying-yang and I couldn’t see how any employer could ever be expected to accomodate them. Not when there’s a line around the block of other willing candidates without ‘special needs’.

So anyhow there are two big items of news.

1) We found a new house that is much more like what we need + heating and sunshine and are currently running around cleaning and stuffing things into boxes to move in a week and;

2) I have taken a new job as a kitchen-hand which is so far, so good and quite a significant step for me.

There is actually a third big item too – which is that I am having another solo show opening in a couple of weeks (July 3) at Inflight. It’s a bit on the fly, but too good an opportunity to pass up so I am frantically trying to get some long unfinished works done for this show.

Also I have a cold.

All this means there is a lot of activity, not a lot of energy and as a result, blog posts may be thin on the ground for a bit. But I’ll check in when I can.

In the meantime – here is a picture of a ferret in a bath. From cuteoverload.com

25
Apr
09

blood

spotthediff

Development:  I’ve been seeing a naturopath for help with the GAD (which is the generalised anxiety disorder wot I have).

The picture on the left is my blood sample from the first visit and shows a very poorly leukocyte (white blood cell) looking like a sad, immovable milky vomit on the screen.  They make up your immune system but in my case there a) weren’t very many and b) the ones there that could be found looked like this character.  The apparent galaxy of stars where this drama plays out is actually fat in my bloodstream ’cause I’d had a big peanut butter sandwich about half an hour earlier.  The other round things are the red blood cells which aren’t doing too badly.

Anxiety lowers your immune system but in turn a low immune system leaves you feeling kinda crappy and more prone to anxiety.  It’s a yucky, yucky, yucky cycle.

The picture on the right is my sample after only two weeks treatment.  I’d been feeling  better generally in body AND mind and look what has happened: more leukocytes, good looking ones too and they are really active.  I watched them live onscreen getting busy and moving around looking for crap to mop up (I even shot a little video).  The milk-vomit guy just sat there.  Miserable sod.  With my natural gift for anthropomorphising everything I can even see that my leukocytes have happy little faces now.

My naturopath and I cheered them on.

06
Sep
08

Hello from my house

I need to tell you some things.

If you are a reader of this blog, let’s face it, it’s because you know me. If I have any unfamiliar lurking readers from the blogosphere I’ve yet to know about them. And if you know me, you may wonder why I didn’t turn up to your exhibition opening, why I didn’t turn up to one of mine, why I behaved oddly or ran away when you did see me, why I don’t answer the phone and haven’t replied to emails or other messages.

Really – the simplest and most honest answer is that a little over a month ago I had a nervous breakdown.

That feels so weird and overdramatic to say it so blatantly. My temptation is to soften it off and refer to it as ‘chucking a nervy’ or something like that, but that just feels contrived. My panic attacks increased in frequency, I was spending much of my time in terror and tears of frustration and confusion at home and in the bathrooms and while walking between offices at work. My mind was racing at top speed all the time but I was unable to ‘get the clutch in’ and either add or extract information. I felt that to an outsider I must have taken so long to construct a spoken sentence that I must have seemed like a stroke patient but I just couldn’t pull the words out of my spinning brain. I developed a stammer when in the most distress. My hands shake and my face tics. I was consistently exhausted, had no ability to concentrate and was alarmed by my inability to form a simple string of logic. More than about five people at a time can send me creeping backwards into a dark corner like a scared dog. This had reached crisis point when the anxiety started to spill over into my studio practice and a dear friend reiterated to me ‘This is really not normal. You need to get help’.

I have since left the new job and have been diagnosed with, and am being treated for, a general anxiety disorder (GAD) and a social phobia. I am also reading library books with antiquated sounding titles like recovering from nervous illness. I go for long walks, work in the garden, listen to downloaded comedy podcasts and try to do the hardest thing which is the advice to ‘let time pass’. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get better and fears for the future wind me up again so I simply try to do that. Just let time pass.

But I am here. And I kind of miss you. Eventually I do reply to emails and messages but sometimes I don’t answer the phone because it is just too hard to extract and form the words as fast as is necessary for a conversation. With email I can take my time to turn thoughts into words. It’s not that I don’t like you. I’ve just been ill. And now I’m getting better.

29
Jun
08

Cheaty dot-point update

. We have a new car (well… new to us) and are both in furious car love.

. I have had my first anxiety attack in about 12 years and am now placing my ‘within a crowd’ presence under much stricter control.

. I started a new job at a The Island café with enormous gratitude to Elissa and Lucy for giving me a go. + making me the best coffee I’ve ever had in Hobart.

. I ended my coffee schlepping career after only one week to take up another job offer. I am now a Production Manager and Publications Coordinator/editor for a local film/multimedia company. (If all those slashes confuse you imagine how I felt in my first week).

. I’ve started the preliminary development on a collaboration with Mish Meijers. It’s exciting, fun and especially convenient because she is loaded with good sense and it means getting to hang out with her regularly which is very good for the brain. I am conscious of not abusing this privilege.

. I am trying between new-job-learning to finish some small drawings and get them in the post for a show in Vancouver. It’s called iPAWS which stands for International Psychic Amateurs’ Work/Study and it’s curated by one of the multiple personalities of the remarkable Jo Cook.

. There will be a work of mine in a show curated by Brigita Ozolins in the Long Gallery called Parallel in August. It’s also a show about slightly spooky things.

. I have Tasmanian pals at CESTA right now (Pip and Harpie) and hearing their stories of Tabor (and CESTA itself) fills me with confused feelings. I love that place and those people and wish I was there too + am so glad to be sharing that experience with friends. But my memories of it now are a little bittersweet. I hope I get to go back there one day and put my own feelings to rights.

15
Apr
08

missing in action

Yeah… so I did an awesome job of catching up and keeping in touch right?

My excuse is that we’ve both been battling minor illness and less minor cases of both homesickness and the general sads. Sometimes what keeps rattling around in your brain is ‘if you can’t say sumn’ nice, don’t say nuttin’ at all’. That equals silence.

However it also means that once you come to verbalise (or text-ualise?) where you’re at, you are past the worst and on the up; back to appreciating the amazing opportunity you have.

The illness and depression have been incubating while we both hammer away at trying to produce some quality work out of our time here. While Matt has completed the work his Marie Edwards scholarship brought him here to do, he always planned to do more.

In my case, having made the investment in this trip out of my own pocket (scraping every last penny), I had been despairing that I could make no art, and that I would have wasted not only dollars but the whole opportunity and in doing so, have also passed on some awesome opportunities that were going back home (I’m looking at you, ONO Project. Looks like Pip and Kate organised an amazing event. The documentation is great. I want to live in a Scot Cotterell room!)

This worry is put to bed with a cold cloth on it’s feverish brow today (I wish I could say the same for myself) as Matt and I launch the small exhibition space at the end of the second floor corridor (Angela planned to call it the Squeezebox Gallery but she’s been away for the weekend and I have yet to confirm it’s name. Francois who works here, laughed at us bustling around in there yesterday and said he calls it the ‘Royal Suite’) with our tiny show entitled Of heaven and earth.

It’s a work each basically.

Matts work The Lull is rather a meditative thing. A narrow but human proportioned alcove, fitted with LEDs, emulates the star pattern in the night sky over Australia, complete with Southern Cross. It’s artifice is completely transparent, with each star constructed from an LED wrapped directly around a flat cell battery, and the space framed theatrically in proscenium style with red satin curtaining. It emanates a strangely soothing electrical buzz.

My own work (pictured above) is a diorama of roughly collaged, standing rabbits on cardboard that rests under a projection of snow falling upwards from a large tree. The effect is very much like a snowglobe, so that is its name.

I have shot a lot of snow here. I have written here before about how crazy I am for it. Anyone who knows me or reads this blog will be aware how crazy I am about rabbits too. The making of Snowglobe has been a fairly simplistic attempt to be happy, you see. I found an old 70′s era book on rabbit care in a secondhand store with lovely large photo’s and, in the absence of what I thought of as inspiration but with a burning need to just ‘make something’, I started to collage and mount them, almost just as a cheery silly decoration for our room as much as anything. Something to make us smile.

When Matt solidified the idea for The Lull and it became clear that an exhibition would happen, I brought all the bits and bobs I had made and shot up to the space and threw bits together until something went ‘ping’. It works and it makes me very happy indeed.

It’s only a short-run show. Just a week, but there will be a ‘Fermissage’ (Angela’s made-up word. It doesn’t feel right to call it a vernissage when it’s a closing.) on Sunday.

We’ll hop on a plane and head home the following Wednesday, dusting our hands together with art-satisfaction and dreaming of our own home.

03
Mar
07

HE’S FEELING BETTER!

more about "faz", posted with vodpod

HOORAY!

27
Feb
07

I was going to post about my trip to Melbourne but my rabbit is sick and I don’t feel like it.

28
Jan
07

thinking of you. please hang in there.

14
Dec
06

Health and Happiness

It’s been such a huge week.

Mr B was given day release for his son, Toby’s, first birthday.
Birthday boy is pictured below.

‘Get me away from this crazy dame!’

The next day B was reassessed at the horsepital and is now back at home. He is walking with a cane and his facial muscles are starting to work again so he even smiles a bit. He is stuborn about his inability to cope with steps. He turns 37 on Friday and his lovely Madame M turns 36. They have the gall to be going out to dinner without me but Matt and I shall cook them a birthday feast here over the weekend instead.

More distant pals are Bon Anniversaire-ing on the same day and also yesterday. I wish I was cooking them a birthday feast over the weekend too.

The Lymphoma Warrior was always just living with the threat until now. Thank heavens a friendly oncologist took a personal interest. His spleen-the-size-of-a-planet finally caught someones attention and a liver biopsy on Monday has shown that it is indeed a rare and aggressive form of lymphoma for which he will now receive rare and agressive treatment.

While our collective response hasn’t exactly been ‘Hooray. It IS cancer!’ all are relieved that he finally has a firm diagnosis and he can be treated for something. He has suffered from SLE all his life (another immune disorder, but very different to the one B was knocked down by) and until now and with no definite answers better than ‘it might be lymphoma’ no one has been prepared to do anything other than fill him with painkillers that have done very little for the immense pain he has been in.

The poor mite has really been suffering. The day before the biopsy he came to visit as he just couldn’t stand being in bed anymore. We giggled and ate pizza and salad. We could see his enlarged spleen sticking out from under his ribs even through the usual, multiple layers of black metal merchandising (t-shirt, long sleeved t-shirt, another t-shirt…)

… and I built a fishpond.

26
Nov
06

Frankenfinger

Spent Saturday in the hospital.

We visited B in the morning who just gets better and better and has now been moved from the ICU to rehab, has no tubes coming out of him and can make his own way into a wheelchair if you give him 20 minutes or so. He has the telly on now, his eyesight hasn’t quite improved enough for reading but I took him some books anyway.

Later in the day in an act of supreme idiocy. I broke into my friend Cazzy’s house and attempted to do her washing up. Cazzy just finished her honours year in painting and is a bona fide 2D superstar. I missed her party. I felt bad. I thought secretly cleaning up after her party while she was out getting milk and the paper would be a nice congratulations present. Instead I broke a glass in the sink and ring-barked a finger, nicking a tendon in the process. In my left-hand. Which is a bugger because I’m left-handed. I am an idiot.

Cue for me to return to the hospital and spend the rest of the day in emergency waiting to be stiched back together. It has five stiches which is quite a lot on such a small area. So much so, in fact, it looks like they’ve put someone elses on. Or experimented in attaching the pointy finger of a monkey to a human… except it’s not brown and hairy…

It’s one of the freakiest looking injuries I’ve ever had and definitely the bloodiest. I went a bit green. It looked like a scene from M*A*S*H* in there. This effect was aided by the fact that Dr Nick (yes!) was a funny fecker. He offered to write me a medical certificate saying I could no longer wash up or do laundry but also offered to add that Frankenfinger means I require a new handbag if I so desire. Ho Ho.

B has to do physio with all bits of the bod, including the face. His instructions have these awesome illustrations:




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