Thank you again Graham Linehan. YOU are delightful!
Posts Tagged ‘animals
…we got in some nice sunny Autumn outdoorsy time.
I want a hippopotamous for christmas.
A pygmy one.
A pygmy hippopotomous that looks up at me and smiles with love in it’s eyes.
‘Monifa’ was born at Taronga Zoo about a month ago and despite a difficult start is now doing well.
Pic via Baaaaabyanimals.
It’s as easy as one, two, three…
… so as I was going for my morning spaz around the domain today I came across a big blue-tounge lizard sunning himself in the middle of the path. Really big. I reckon he was about 40cm from nose to tail.
He couldn’t have chosen a better position, however to be either: a) eaten by one of the many dogs being walked along that path or b) run over by a jogger or cyclist, so I thought I’d help him move. I’ve picked them up before, I’ve even had (naughty) friends who’ve kept them as pets so I wasn’t scared of him.
But:- *FLASHBACK* to unexpected memories from my days working in bars.
It turns out blue-tounges are just like the drunken, old, cranky guy who is asleep in the middle of the road outside your bar when you close up at 5:30am.
You really want to go home but you can’t leave him there so you go and try a few words.
Sally: “Wake up, Guy, keep moving. C’mon you can’t sleep here”
Old drunk guy/Lizard: “Mmmheeh… @$#$@@..”
Sally: (nudging with foot) “C’mon, you’ll just get run over if you stay there”
Old drunk guy/Lizard: (really sounding cranky) “Ffffph…%$@#…myanufsmmm…”
So then you think you’re going to have to physically move the guy and you hope he hasn’t eaten in the last day because then he might be lighter and emptier.
Sally: (sucking it up and starting to thrust hands into stinky armpits) “OK, I’m gonna have to move you. Don’t shit on me or anything, OK?”
Old drunk guy/Lizard: “@$#$@@$#$@@%$@!!!!!”
And then he throws a really lame-arse punch at you that completely misses. The lizard equivalent of this is swinging around to bite you but his neck is really too fat for him to swing around far enough.
Sally: “Whoah! Guy! I’m just trying to help you, OK? Jesus, calm down…”
So you go for the pits again thinking if he doesn’t get run over, he’s going to get rolled for his brandevino money, even if he hasn’t got any left.
Old drunk guy/Lizard: (swinging a second lame punch/trying for another piece of finger) “MEHMEFEH##$%$#%%$@&*$#FEIH-M!!!!!”
Sally: “OK – I’ll stop trying to pick you up if you just MOVE!”
He sort of gets onto all fours and crawls one metre/centimetre before stopping.
Sally: (tapping the soles of his feet with your feet) “MOVE!!!!!”
Old drunk guy/Lizard: “Mmmeh!”
He keeps slowly shifting position and by the time he gets to the kerb/path edge he is standing/up to proper lizard speed. As he dissapears around the corner/into the scrub and he turns back to you and and angrily shouts “$@&$#VEIM-N!” one more time before he slinks away.
Sally: (thinks) “I’m washing my hands as soon as I get home…”
Gosh, I wonder why I ever got out of the hospitality industry?
At least it has equipped me for a future in wildlfe management…
Nosher and Mr Knuckles found alive and well in fishpond!!!!
Frightened into hiding by giant kingfisher, their hideaway was rumbled when I added some fresh water and they were exposed in the malestrom.
They have survived since boxing day on natures bounty (as opposed to pet shop fish flakes) and are even looking a little fat.
Our tiny family rejoices.
Lena said I should have bought smarter fish who knew how to hide.
I guess they are smarter than I thought.
… so a few weeks ago I built a fishpond.
It ‘s been my pride and joy.
Matt and I went and bought 2 little fish who we named Nosher and Mr Knuckles to complete the ecosystem and we have all been happily co-existing ever since. A small plastic barrel to hide in. Pond weed on the top. A quick sprinkle of fish food in the morning at the rabbits breakfast time. They fit into the routine of our life so quickly.
…until boxing day when a large, brown, kingfisher-esque squwarky bird swooped down and ate them.
Then, a couple of days later, a sparrow drowned.
I have been having dreams where I find little fish in small tupperware containers around the house.
‘Look, Matt!’ dream-sally says, ‘I put the fish here to keep them safe. They didn’t get eaten at all!
A colony of ants has moved into my keyboard. They crawl up my hands as I type.
This is so wrong…
It’s all feeling a bit surrealist film in here but not as many nuns…